Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

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Plumpton
Posts: 104
Joined: Mon May 08, 2017 6:23 pm
Location: South Yorkshire

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Plumpton » Mon Feb 04, 2019 8:43 am

DPF issue again, damn those dilithium particulate filters!

UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_1689.jpg

Gone! DS SE Tech 180 Auto June MY17, Yulong White, roof rails, det tow bar, service pack :)

Barnsh
Posts: 7141
Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2015 5:20 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Barnsh » Mon Feb 04, 2019 8:47 am

Warp speed for 10 million miles will fix that ....
Read the bloody handbook Scotty!
My18 FPace, 25t, BRG, R Sport, Auto. 18 way mem Seats, ActiveLED, PrivGlass, ICTP, blis, cooled gloves, spare.
MY17 HSE 180 gone
My16.5 DS 180 b pillar tick ~ rejected :oops:
My16 DS 180 ~ rejected :oops:

Techauthorbob
Posts: 83
Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2017 6:05 pm
Location: Bingley West Yorkshire

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Techauthorbob » Mon Feb 04, 2019 11:53 am

The inventor of Autocorrect died today.
It was very sad as he didn't even realise he was I'll

Just bought Fifa footy game - it's corrupt

Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
2017 SE Tech in grey - wife's choice! - with darkened glass and dashcam.
Technical Authors are like superheroes - always out writing wrongs!

Barnsh
Posts: 7141
Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2015 5:20 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Barnsh » Sun Oct 18, 2020 1:02 pm

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
My18 FPace, 25t, BRG, R Sport, Auto. 18 way mem Seats, ActiveLED, PrivGlass, ICTP, blis, cooled gloves, spare.
MY17 HSE 180 gone
My16.5 DS 180 b pillar tick ~ rejected :oops:
My16 DS 180 ~ rejected :oops:

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Canuk
Posts: 482
Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:58 pm
Location: Surrey, British Columbia, Canada

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Canuk » Sat Nov 21, 2020 3:11 pm

This why Canadians have the best sense of humour in the world.

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The British Columbia Ferry Corp has a mandatory mask rule and signs are posted in all areas of the ferries.

If you have to look twice it means you are probably a clean living person
Blue Disco 2016
2 litre turbo petrol
5 seater

Chippy
Posts: 6131
Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2015 7:29 pm
Location: Southern Germany

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Chippy » Sat Nov 21, 2020 4:57 pm

Rather like our Euro coins

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MB GLC 250d.
Gone: 2 x DS TD4. Both rejected - B pillar ticking.
Evoque TD4. Increasing problems.

Paul41
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 8:26 pm

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Paul41 » Sat Nov 21, 2020 5:49 pm

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HSE MY17 Corris/black roof/privacy glass/HUD/blind spot monitor-reverse traffic detect/surround cameras/wade sensing/ACC/ towbar/full size spare/Adaptive dynamics/Entertainment pack/incontrol pro/Mem seats/ATPC/Heated steering wheel/service pack/Gtechniq

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