Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

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Techauthorbob
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Techauthorbob » Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:34 am

Put it on USB last night with other stuff, songs, Billy Connely, Monty Python etc, will try it out on way to Wetherby today.

If you see a bearded lunatic in a grey Disco Sport laughing his head off today it's me!
2017 SE Tech in grey - wife's choice! - with darkened glass and dashcam.
Technical Authors are like superheroes - always out writing wrongs!

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Garddelan
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Location: Cymru

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Garddelan » Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:56 pm

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Previous LR's: D4 SDV6 MY14 XS, D4 TDV6 XS MY10, Freelander 2 XS, Freelander 1
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Barnsh
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Barnsh » Tue May 09, 2017 3:17 pm

I've seen it all now

Toyota Facebook page

IMG_2292.PNG

My18 FPace, 25t, BRG, R Sport, Auto. 18 way mem Seats, ActiveLED, PrivGlass, ICTP, blis, cooled gloves, spare.
MY17 HSE 180 gone
My16.5 DS 180 b pillar tick ~ rejected :oops:
My16 DS 180 ~ rejected :oops:

Chippy
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Chippy » Tue May 09, 2017 3:21 pm

Barnsh wrote:
Tue May 09, 2017 3:17 pm
I've seen it all now

Toyota Facebook page

IMG_2292.PNG
I wonder how our Australien friends will take to that or are all Toyota owners the same I wonder ;)
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Muddywheels
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Muddywheels » Fri May 26, 2017 9:27 am

Missing wife

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Height ?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Officer: Weight ?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Officer: Colour of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Officer: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Officer: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been trousers or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Officer: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my Land Rover.

Officer: What kind of Land Rover was it ?
Husband : A Land Rover Discovery Limited edition 4X4 with SDV6 engine ordered with the 9.5 CTI electric winch with wireless controls, Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold tow bar, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road BF Goodrich mud terrain tyres, It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.


Officer: Take it easy sir,
we'll find your Landy!
[URL=http://www.fuelly.com/car/mini/cooper_countryman/2019/muddywheels/970994]Image[/URL]

NOW GONE

MY16 Outlander PHEV
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MY16 DS
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FL2s
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Techauthorbob
Posts: 83
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Location: Bingley West Yorkshire

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Techauthorbob » Thu Jun 08, 2017 8:22 am

Just been talking to an Asian friend and said it felt different today to wake up to an election, he told me he felt sorry for me because he often wakes up to an election! :oops: :oops:
2017 SE Tech in grey - wife's choice! - with darkened glass and dashcam.
Technical Authors are like superheroes - always out writing wrongs!

Techauthorbob
Posts: 83
Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2017 6:05 pm
Location: Bingley West Yorkshire

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Techauthorbob » Thu Jun 08, 2017 8:29 am

Been reading through forum,, I like the sun roof comment by Depicus about being at an event looking at the stars through the sunroof.

Reminds me about my favourite holiday when I was laid in a hotel bed looking out over Jordan (or was it Kate Moss, I can't remember).
2017 SE Tech in grey - wife's choice! - with darkened glass and dashcam.
Technical Authors are like superheroes - always out writing wrongs!

Techauthorbob
Posts: 83
Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2017 6:05 pm
Location: Bingley West Yorkshire

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Techauthorbob » Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:56 pm

Just been to see Gone With The Wind with twins in the title role, worst case of Tourette's (two Rhetts) I have ever seen!
2017 SE Tech in grey - wife's choice! - with darkened glass and dashcam.
Technical Authors are like superheroes - always out writing wrongs!

D3GGY
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by D3GGY » Thu Jul 27, 2017 9:04 pm

Need A Tool?

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh damn'

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. It's best use is for igniting new seat covers.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need, and at times must be retrieved from across the road.
Volvo XC60 B4 Inscription Pro

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Plumpton
Posts: 104
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Location: South Yorkshire

Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Plumpton » Fri Jul 28, 2017 5:23 pm

What do you call a female spanner - a wench

What goes around your waist at 90 miles per hour - Honda pants

What time is it when a Ford passes another Ford (or substitute your favourite car make) - Tin past tin
Gone! DS SE Tech 180 Auto June MY17, Yulong White, roof rails, det tow bar, service pack :)

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