Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

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tangey
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by tangey » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:16 pm

Everyone should get a dog, my life's totally changed since I got mine.

Up until then I was just a weird guy in the park, throwing a stick and carrying a bag of poo.
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Muddywheels
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Muddywheels » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:29 pm

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first
house, and owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it
to her along with a ten pound tip.

"And by the way, " the blonde added, " it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
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Muddywheels
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Muddywheels » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:31 pm

The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"

I replied "But England is playing against the Irish."

She said "Record it and watch it later."

You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod!!!!!
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Barnsh
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Barnsh » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:33 pm

Muddywheels wrote:
Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:29 pm
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first
house, and owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it
to her along with a ten pound tip.

"And by the way, " the blonde added, " it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
:lol: :lol:
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Muddywheels » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:36 pm

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." ............
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
[URL=http://www.fuelly.com/car/mini/cooper_countryman/2019/muddywheels/970994]Image[/URL]

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Chippy
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Chippy » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:48 pm

Muddywheels wrote:
Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:36 pm
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." ............
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
Not at all bad Muddy.
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Muddywheels
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Muddywheels » Mon Apr 10, 2017 6:27 pm

I can't take the credit Chippy - they are all stolen from LR forums that made me laugh :lol:
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Chippy
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Chippy » Mon Apr 10, 2017 6:39 pm

Muddywheels wrote:
Mon Apr 10, 2017 6:27 pm
I can't take the credit Chippy - they are all stolen from LR forums that made me laugh :lol:
But you've brought it to our attention Muddy. Thanks for that ;)
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Muddywheels » Mon Apr 10, 2017 7:00 pm

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' the other day and I must say I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't mess about!
[URL=http://www.fuelly.com/car/mini/cooper_countryman/2019/muddywheels/970994]Image[/URL]

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Muddywheels
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Muddywheels » Mon Apr 10, 2017 7:01 pm

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk!
[URL=http://www.fuelly.com/car/mini/cooper_countryman/2019/muddywheels/970994]Image[/URL]

NOW GONE

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FL2s
Jag X-type
D2s - MGTF
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