Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

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Muddywheels
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Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Muddywheels » Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:12 pm

This is a feature on all the LR forums I frequent and I think brightens eceryones day so I thought why not start the ball rolling :mrgreen:

I'm sure you can do better but here goes ;)

Computer says no......

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one".

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1chuffingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1CHUFFINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1ChuffingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

"1ChuffingPrettyRoseShovedUpYour***IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightChuffingNow"

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1ChuffingPrettyRoseShovedUpYour***IfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightChuffingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."
[URL=http://www.fuelly.com/car/mini/cooper_countryman/2019/muddywheels/970994]Image[/URL]

NOW GONE

MY16 Outlander PHEV
MY17 RC 300h F Sport
MY16 DS
MY10/13 RRSs - Mini One
FL2s
Jag X-type
D2s - MGTF
FL1s
Landcruiser, Mondeo, Escort, Orion, Astra GTE, Xr3i, Renault 5/19/18, Fiesta 1300S, Allegro, Avenger, Honda MTX, Yamaha FS1E

Barnsh
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread :-)

Post by Barnsh » Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:24 pm

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch
from another at night? They all look the same. " - "He replied, "It does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"
My18 FPace, 25t, BRG, R Sport, Auto. 18 way mem Seats, ActiveLED, PrivGlass, ICTP, blis, cooled gloves, spare.
MY17 HSE 180 gone
My16.5 DS 180 b pillar tick ~ rejected :oops:
My16 DS 180 ~ rejected :oops:

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Muddywheels
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread :-)

Post by Muddywheels » Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:28 pm

:shock:

Now play nice Barnsh :lol:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off
my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball
and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey
did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball
he measures everything first!"
[URL=http://www.fuelly.com/car/mini/cooper_countryman/2019/muddywheels/970994]Image[/URL]

NOW GONE

MY16 Outlander PHEV
MY17 RC 300h F Sport
MY16 DS
MY10/13 RRSs - Mini One
FL2s
Jag X-type
D2s - MGTF
FL1s
Landcruiser, Mondeo, Escort, Orion, Astra GTE, Xr3i, Renault 5/19/18, Fiesta 1300S, Allegro, Avenger, Honda MTX, Yamaha FS1E

Barnsh
Posts: 7141
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Location: Scotland

Re: Humour/Jokes thread :-)

Post by Barnsh » Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:37 pm

Rabbit and the toasties
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?".

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman".

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

Smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you"

To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your
public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"


The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".
My18 FPace, 25t, BRG, R Sport, Auto. 18 way mem Seats, ActiveLED, PrivGlass, ICTP, blis, cooled gloves, spare.
MY17 HSE 180 gone
My16.5 DS 180 b pillar tick ~ rejected :oops:
My16 DS 180 ~ rejected :oops:

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Muddywheels
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread :-)

Post by Muddywheels » Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:42 pm

:lol:
[URL=http://www.fuelly.com/car/mini/cooper_countryman/2019/muddywheels/970994]Image[/URL]

NOW GONE

MY16 Outlander PHEV
MY17 RC 300h F Sport
MY16 DS
MY10/13 RRSs - Mini One
FL2s
Jag X-type
D2s - MGTF
FL1s
Landcruiser, Mondeo, Escort, Orion, Astra GTE, Xr3i, Renault 5/19/18, Fiesta 1300S, Allegro, Avenger, Honda MTX, Yamaha FS1E

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Mamil
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread :-)

Post by Mamil » Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:54 pm

Loved the Monkey one Muddy, as did my twelve year old daughter, so I fear it's going to be all round her school on Monday :oops:
SE TD4, MY 2016.5, 110kw/150bhp 2.2 PSA Engine, Fuji White/Ebony, Oz towbar, xenon pack. Delivered 25th June 2016, Perth Western Australia.

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Muddywheels
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread :-)

Post by Muddywheels » Fri Mar 31, 2017 1:20 pm

Sorry Mamil - I actually cleaned that one up :oops:

There is a
**Some jokes might offend **
warning on other forums - I will add it here to be on safe side not that I'm encouraging this so let's try to keep it within reason :?
[URL=http://www.fuelly.com/car/mini/cooper_countryman/2019/muddywheels/970994]Image[/URL]

NOW GONE

MY16 Outlander PHEV
MY17 RC 300h F Sport
MY16 DS
MY10/13 RRSs - Mini One
FL2s
Jag X-type
D2s - MGTF
FL1s
Landcruiser, Mondeo, Escort, Orion, Astra GTE, Xr3i, Renault 5/19/18, Fiesta 1300S, Allegro, Avenger, Honda MTX, Yamaha FS1E

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Mamil
Posts: 946
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Location: Perth, Western Australia

Re: Humour/Jokes thread :-)

Post by Mamil » Fri Mar 31, 2017 1:25 pm

Muddywheels wrote:
Fri Mar 31, 2017 1:20 pm
Sorry Mamil - I actually cleaned that one up :oops:
My fault for laughing out loud at the computer which is guaranteed to bring her straight over to ask what I found funny. Anyway, don't worry, she comes back from school with much worse ones her friends have told her :shock:

Post away :D
SE TD4, MY 2016.5, 110kw/150bhp 2.2 PSA Engine, Fuji White/Ebony, Oz towbar, xenon pack. Delivered 25th June 2016, Perth Western Australia.

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Muddywheels
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Re: Humour/Jokes thread **SOME JOKES MAY OFFEND**

Post by Muddywheels » Fri Mar 31, 2017 1:48 pm

NINE THINGS WOMEN SAY EXPLAINED
 
(1) Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
 
(2) Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
 
(3) Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm.  This means something, and you should be on your toes.  Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
 
 
(4) Go Ahead:  This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
 
(5) Loud Sigh:  This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.  (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
 
(6) That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.  That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
 
(7) Thanks:  A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.  (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
 
 
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying $@&* YOU!
 
 
(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it:  Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3
[URL=http://www.fuelly.com/car/mini/cooper_countryman/2019/muddywheels/970994]Image[/URL]

NOW GONE

MY16 Outlander PHEV
MY17 RC 300h F Sport
MY16 DS
MY10/13 RRSs - Mini One
FL2s
Jag X-type
D2s - MGTF
FL1s
Landcruiser, Mondeo, Escort, Orion, Astra GTE, Xr3i, Renault 5/19/18, Fiesta 1300S, Allegro, Avenger, Honda MTX, Yamaha FS1E

Chippy
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Location: Southern Germany

Re: Humour/Jokes thread :-)

Post by Chippy » Fri Mar 31, 2017 4:42 pm

Muddywheels wrote:
Fri Mar 31, 2017 1:20 pm
Sorry Mamil - I actually cleaned that one up :oops:

There is a
**Some jokes might offend **
warning on other forums - I will add it here to be on safe side not that I'm encouraging this so let's try to keep it within reason :?
The problem is Muddy that what one person finds offensive the other one doesn't. Anyway I can never remember jokes so there's no risk of me offending anybody :)
MB GLC 250d.
Gone: 2 x DS TD4. Both rejected - B pillar ticking.
Evoque TD4. Increasing problems.

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